Theme Songs For My Autobiography

8:03pm: shliiiiiii

I made a new LJ yesterday. A new life. A new LJ.

add me. please?I will add you back.

 

droppdeadd

 

2:26am: my hands are still shaking.

I should set my clocks early cause I'm always late. (read: I missed Panic!)

Merch Table - "Hey Brendon...Brendon!". He looked at the picture and I could tell he was surprised. "Awesome...awesome...awesome". I guess that's all he could say. "I'm so mad at myself. I missed your set". He said something like "I'm sorry...awwww!But really, that's the coolest thing I've seen". I saw him and the merch guy talk about the picture after I left. It made me smile. He still had that same look on his face. I will eventually upload the picture I gave him. (Prom 2005 - Time to DaaaanNce!). The interview was kinda lame but fun. "I missed the show but...yeah. Come back soon please?". I said that a billion times and never expected the band to come back.

The only band that never let me down played tonight. I asked them to come back soon. They did. 3 months seemed like 3 years, but just because I'm lonely.  Maybe the show was soldout, maybe it wasn't...but I was alone in the venue anyway. In my head. Dancing just to forget that there's only 8 songs left for tonight. Then they'll be gone again...for 3...4...5...6...7 months,  oh - a year, maybe a year and a half. Who knows.

I kinda regret I thought they'd let me down. They never never never did.

"To my favorite liar, to my favorite scar..." -  I stopped breathing.

Then I waited in line, behind the venue, alone. Alone with something like 60 people. I know what each and every one of them was thinking. "I am the biggest fan ever. They should all go home". Oh well, maybe it was just me after all. But I'm not different.

My heart was beating too fast. I couldn't hear the conversations around me.

And Pete was there. I don't know where the rest of the band was. I didn't ask. I just said "I don't think you remember me but..." and he said "Heyyy I remember you! We met at the warped and I remember how you pronounce...ohh what was the word....". "Hate" (funny how it's my favorite word). "Yeah! How you pronounce 'hate' funny and it's cute". "I really can't believe you remember me...I can't believe I've waited in line to talk to you. It's weird..but anyway, I am SO proud of you guys..".

Hug. (he smells good. he always smells good, and I can't describe it, but I know I will remember this smell forever.)

"So what have you been up to since the warped?" (illusion: he cares)

(in my head: he remember me...wow.)

Then this guy said: "well, people are waiting..."

Real quick: "I missed you guys. Come back soon okay? And Pete...you have no idea how big is the difference you made for me. I love yoooou."

Hug. Hug.

"Goodnight"/"Goodnight".

I felt like crying when I left. He wrote "I 'ate' you" on my ticket, but it's between him & me and my friends wouldn't understand. I guess that, when he wrote it, he remembered the letter I wrote back in July. It started with: "I hate when...", but it's a secret. This is not why I felt like crying, I know he doesn't hate me. I felt so good, just standing there in the middle of the street talking to him. When I left, I left a part of me there and it felt empty in my head. There's no drama. I felt good, and he seemed happy. Everything's fine. He still smells the same too, not that it's important, I just noticed it. It was the 4th time, and he always smelled the same. It's like...no matter where you are in the world, if you feel lost, you can drink a coke, because coke taste the same everywhere. Well, no matter when you meet him, he still smells the same. There's something reassuring about it.

I know I will hate him again tomorrow, but for now it's love ((& regrets)...I should have told him...)). It's so easy to put all your trust in someone like him.

I'm saved. for now.

He remember me? I feel..special.

They say the look in my eyes is funny when I talk about him/them. "It's like..someone turned on the light in your head and your eyes are windows". Life.I never really lived more than...hmmm. It's useless to even talk about it.

I don't care if you think it's an obsession. You just have no idea.

11:21pm: blah
-I don't even want to know if you remember me.
-I don't think I will ever be able to look in your eyes again.
-Crash your bus, I don't want to hear what you have to say anymore.
-I'm just like you and it makes me sick.
-I know it will be a deception.
-I should stay home and listen to something else.
-I should get you out of my mind.
-I love you. More than you can imagine.
-I'm nervous.
-Save me again.
-I don't know why I believe in you.
-I'm scared. & stupid.

11:54pm: whatareyouwaitingfor
I love rainy days. It always rains on Sundays.
If I could be a color, I'd be grey because it's comfortable, like a dream.

The weather fits my mood
oooooooor
My mood fits the weather.

Dancing in the rain with Bright Eyes in my headphones. (but only in my head)
And for a second, my life is a movie.

(We're at this moment in the movie, where the girl is finally living her
dream. She's finally happy, in a sad way, and she's singing fucking Bright Eyes songs in the middle of the street, under the rain. It's grey.
This is the moment where you wipe a tear, because the scene is
so beautiful with the music, and the rain and the leaves falling from the
trees.)

Then, I'm just sitting in front of my computer again.
With my headache.
And I realize I've been procrastinating so much all day that I still have
two.
show reviews to write for tomorrow morning.

12:48pm: "it's like...playing emogame but not really..."
Procrastination.
I should be writing my articles for the student paper right now.


Me & Simple Plan.
Interview. November.
If I was 13 years old again, I'd probably die from excitement.
(confession: I'm really excited. Send your questions for the biggest sellouts in the history of canadian music in my comments. Fuck..they killed the punk rock and I still kinda like them)


October 4th - I've been waiting for this day since their bus left on July 29th. But now...I'm nervous. I'm in a situation where they could save me again or destroy me. They don't know it, but they have a lot of pressure.


Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and wish I could go back to sleep forever.

11:34pm: dearworldfuckyou
Give me something real to write about.
I don't want to write about your band in the local fanzine.
I want to write "I miss you" at the end of every letters adressed to you.

tellmewhatiwanttohear.

10:50pm: wearebadnews.
This is just another night spent waiting for the phone to ring. Waiting in the glow of the screen cause "tomorrow will be easier". Now I'm scene, but I don't feel any better. They need me. They call me. They write e-mails. I used to have so much respect for them, and I still do. "We want to help you cause we believe in what you do". And I believe in them. So I guess this is why we are working together now.
But how are you supposed to feel when you live a dream?

When you live your dream, you have nothing to hope for anymore.
(except his phone call...wait by the phone. Who cares about music anyway?)

The friends, they don't understand.
They don't understand why I don't feel like calling them anymore. They don't understand that all the promotion for the shows is more important than shopping.

They say I'm different. Not like I used to be.
Hey, I'm living a dream.
(if only he...oh, I said it before anyway)


I think I need a new dream, to keep me hoping and breathing through the winter.


www.purevolume.com/florence
-they deserve it.

11:49pm: Almost - Bowling For Soup

I almost got drunk at school at 14
Where I almost made out with the homecoming queen
Who almost went on to be miss texas
But lost to a slut with much bigger breastes
I almost dropped out to move to LA
Where I was almost famous for almost a day

And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn't cut it
Almost loved you
I almost wished you would've loved me too

I almost held up a grocery store
Where I almost did 5 years and then 7 more
Cause I almost got popped for a fight with a thug
Cause he almost made off with a bunch of the drugs
That I almost got hooked on cause you ran away
And I wish I woulda had the nerve to ask you to stay

And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn't cut it
Almost had you
And I didn't even know it

You kept me guessing and now I'm destined
to spend my time missing you
I almost wish you would've loved me too

Here I go thinking about all the things I could've done
I'm gonna need a forklift cause all the baggage weighs a ton
I know we had our problems I can't remember one

I almost forgot to say something else
And if I cant fit it in I'll keep it all to myself
I almost wrote a song about you today
But I tore it all up and then I threw it away

And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn't cut it
Almost had you
And I didn't even know it

You kept me guessing and now I'm destined
to spend my time missing you
And I almost had you

I almost wish you would've loved me too

1:49am: why don't you just droppdeadd
I miss the time when everything was easier.
It was easier when I had to take pills to wake up, go to school, go to bed, wake up, go to school, go to bed...
I just miss the effects.
Try to understand. (you won't if you never experienced it)


The pills are still on my desk, and I have to fight with myself every night not to take one. It makes things sooooooo easy. But they say I always run away from reality, and I don't want them to think they're right.



fuck.you.
talktome.
talktome.
talktome.
Choose between me and the situation.
I love your words (when your drunk).
talktome.
talktome.
talktome.
fuck.you.

2:22pm: so...
it's not love
you know it's not love



new lj soon. i just want to forgeeeeeet.

11:33pm: my lungs are aching...
My world is craaaaaashing down.

He thinks it's love. He's not sure.
I am not sure of anything anymore.
Hey, indecision.
Conclusion: Next time we're together, we will talk about it
(and hold hands in the dark)
And maybe tell everyone we're in love.
Maybe.
Are we really?

I asked.
He said "I don't know"
We talked for almost 2 hours.
Then decided that regrets suck.
"You're pretty and smart and I love you...but I don't like how you hate yourself so much"
I'm ruining my own life. But I guess he likes how I always ruin everything.
We'll see

11:00pm: we're the therapists.
I love my life right now.
You know how I know that?
I'm listening to dark alley and it doesn't make me sad anymore.
It makes me happy.
In a "things always get better" way.
But I still know how it feels when your life is a sad song.

The things that make me smile:

- Meeting + pizza with Prod in a week.
- Fall Out Boy on October 4th. (and maybe october 2nd?)
- Going to the museum with my friend tomorrow cause we are in love ("just friends"/"best friends") and he lives in Montreal so we rarely see each other.
- Revolution on canvas.


i can't write anymore.
go away, stupid headache

8:34pm: fuckfuckshitfuck
i have so many things to write about.
i don't even know where to start.

Prod - they are awesoooooooome. The guys came to the Cegep today to promote the shows they booked for next month. And the meeting yesterday rocked.

thats it for tonight.
im tired
and no one cares.


i miss blink 182

12:08am: criss de tabarnak!
dear headache,
go away or kill me.
i can't stand it anymore.
make it stop.
goodnight xxoo

11:33pm: wiiiiiiiiiiii
Meeting with Prod today-
I'm in love with Rock City's local scene.
For real. Looooooooooooooove.

We talked about music.
And decided to have another meeting next week with a pizza.
Prod's street team is a REAL street team.
With things to do. And just cool people can be in the street team.
haha. I'm cool.

-free tickets
-free cds
-free merch
-free food

i dont need anything else to be happy.
(but i'd like to get rid of this headache anyway)

12:46pm: the planet smashers are really good but...
The Planet Smashers-

First, what are you supposed to do when it takes 1 hour to drive to Montreal and that, when you get there, you realize that your ticket for the show you're going to (in less than 30 minutes) is on your desk, in your bedroom?
You want to die.
Then, you call your mother and she calls your uncle who is nice enough to drive to Montreal and bring your ticket.

Now, you have your ticket. But you still don't feel like going to the show.
The show is sold out and all the ska kids around the venue are looking for a ticket. There's no scalpers. What do you do now?
You sell your ticket for 40$ and go home.
And you keep in mind that someone who likes the planet smashers more than you do is having the time of his life, so you won't regret tomorrow.
(No regrets. I'm not a big fan anyway.)

(and wish you'll get there in time to see your friend's band play...but you don't. And when you get to the bar where all your friends were supposed to go after the show, they're not there. So you can't tell your friend who's in a band that you are happy for him, but sad because you missed the show. And maybe, you wish that he will tell you what you want to hear. Because that what he did last time.)

3:57pm:

 

( it's so 2 years ago )

1:28am: EMO EMO EMO! - What?
I pretty much just fell asleep in front of the stage while Florence were playing. I'm SO tired.
Ska Is Dead Tour 3 tomorrow.

I told her what he told me. She asked. I know I said I would keep it for myself, but sometimes, I feel like I'm going to choke on all the things I can't say. And I never find the right words to talk about love, so I just try to forget.

I also talked with this cute guy from Adore Stella. No. I just asked him the name of his band. But whatever. He was cute.
Hey...I love my local scene.

It's raining and I don't think it will ever stop.
(outside&inmyhead)

3:22pm: keep talking to me. please.
I'm in a bad mood.
And I can't find the perfect song to describe it.


Florence + Cyanfiction tonight.
But I'm still in a bad mood.

In the bus (me & my headphones)
I was listening to From First To Last.
I think I love them.
But I like the guy I'm talking with right now even more.
They reminded me of him.


hey.
secrets don't make friends.

12:22am: dahdahdah
To all the boys who stand under the spotlights.


You are the only reason why I'm still breathing and tonight, I hate you for this. There's a headache behind all the letters that I wrote and that you never read.

I watch the news, because I know someday your plane will crash.
Too bad you'll never get to write about it.
(this is what you get for all the planes references in your songs)


P.W, K.R, J.L, A.M, J.S, G.R
fuck you

11:09pm: you always come back.
Ghosts of the past.

The soundtrack changed and So Long, Astoria is not playing anymore in your car. I don't like Jimmy Eat World as much as The Ataris to be honnest. But as long as you still think about me, I don't really mind.
Give me attention.
Every time I'm falling in love with someone else you come back.
It's a sign. (maybe not, but i need to forget him. i need you)


and don't say you don't think about me when you take the time to drive there just to say "hello". we've known each other for 5 years, and you broke my heart 3 times. Why do I still trust you?

(why do you keep coming back to me? at the wrong moment everytime?)

12:05am: Oay. I explain everything in details. You comment and tell me what you think it means. I'm so lost right now. (givemeagun)

Day one: the show- I never noticed before the show. But he was strange with me before. It became clear at the show, really. Hugging me for no reasons, being nice...(in a weird way), etc...

Day two (part 1): drinking in the park - He was drunk. Saying things like "I'd never say something mean to someone I really love..." and saying things like "you are the coolest girl I know" everytime he got a chance. and he was in a bad mood with everyone but me. He sat (way too close) to me all night and kept saying things about how he needed affection too. And touching my hand everytime he had a chance...yeah. the usual, you know.

Day two (part 2): On MSN - He was drunk. He came to me and started talking about how he wanted to be with someone, and how well we understand each other and how we're the same. He asked me who I wanted to be with, and I said I didn't know (i ruined it). I said "dont think about love, its complicated". He said "it's hard not to think about someone when she's a part of your life". then, He said "I think I love you, but I lack courage...so I'm going to bed right now. goodnight xxx" and I tried to answer...he was gone. wtf.. "I THINK..." (fuuuuuuuuuuck you)

Day three: On MSN again - He asked me if he had said stupid stuff the night before. I said "I don't know if you meant it" so he asked what he said. When I told him, he asked me what I thought about it and I answered "I don't know, I guess you didn't mean it" and he said he wasn't sure, "it's so complicated" and that he was sober enough to know what he was saying.He told me that he really didn't know, but that we should talk about that again. Later, I learned that he wasn't TOTALLY sober. shhhhh

Day four and day five: MSN yesterday and today- We talked about stuff. We didnt talk about "it" at all. And I learned (from someone else)that another girl is in love with him. He doesnt love her, but I know he needs affection, so I guess she's a good choice in his eyes. Easy. I started to talk with him more. But he seems distant. I guess it's because he's sober. We (i mean me and my friends) went to the Tim Hortons, and he stayed home cause he was tired. I know he really is, but I guess he would have come even if he was tired, if he really loved me/wanted to see me. Or maybe he doesnt want to see me because he regrets what he said. Or maybe, he decided that he doesnt love me. I should have told him that I've been into him for months. I didn't. I want to talk to him for real.

Guess what? He booked a show with his band for saturday night. If I go, maybe we'll get a chance to talk. Buuuuuuut the same night, there's the planet smashers in montreal. I already have my ticket. Should I go to the planet and miss my chance, and then learned that him and this girl...ergg...yeah. Orrr I go to the smashers and take the risk that we'll never talk about it again. Cause he has a band pratice friday. Saturday, the shows. Sunday, I work until 22h30. It's so complicated. Help meeeeeeee.

I dont have the strenght to go to him and ask. I know he will say something like "I thought about it..and no" or "it's too complicated" or "Im not sure" and I won't survive to the answer. If only he could tell exactly whats on his mind...the worse part is that he doesnt seem to want to talk about this again.

I ruined everything when I told him I was depressed. He thinks I'm depressing now. gooooooooooood.

TELL ME WHY HE ACTS LIKE THAT!

7:57pm: sicksicksicksicksicksick
You can't live in your head/lies forever.
You won't admit it, but I can read your mind - you don't want me to talk about this. Maybe you don't like pity, maybe you just think that truth is too controversial. I ruined everything last night.
Have a drink, it will make things a lot easier. For you. And me.
You can save the/our world tonight, it's your last chance. (or maybe not)

I wish you could read this, and I know you won't. However (my english teacher taught me today that, in english, you can't start a sentence with "but")I know you won't.


meeting with Prod saturday...i <3 my local scene.

2:51pm: ...
i just had this really srange dream, like 10 minutes ago where I was sitting with Bert from The Used, asking him if he was crying for real on stage when they played in montreal. Then he started singning "The Only Difference Between..", and I was like "I loveeeee Panic!!", and yeah. That's it.

11:06pm: love and toronto. and thats it for today.
I need help cause I suck at being in love.
Cause yeah, I finally admitted it to myself after months and months of hiding the truth.

Should I tell him how I feel, even if he's not sure?
I don't feel like I could survive to an answer like:
"No, I thought about it, and really, I don't love you"
"I'm sorry, but it's too complicated for me"
"I'm not sure...we should wait and see"

And I know he won't talk about it if he's sober. But if he's drunk, he won't remember what we talked about.


Annnnnd I'm probably going to the Fall Out Boy show in Toronto. How awesome. This guy, who's my new friend, can have free train tickets (i don't want to pay 225$) and I said that if he wants to go with me and get us train tickets for free, I will pay his ticket for the show. He said "sure, let's talk about it tomorrow, i'll ask my dad for the tickets."
Cause his dad works for a train compagnie. yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

but for now...
I kinda miss the way he smells like cheap wine and beer all the time.